Life can often times be so agonizing that we lose our positivity and become the antonym of caring. This year has been anomalous for me in every way. From the tragic murder of my youngest uncle to numerous legal battles, there is no ardor in me. When an army of rocks attack you, you feel defenseless. And we feel defenseless because although we fight back, we still lose. Truth is, we're supposed to lose. We're supposed to feel astray and unsure; Astray from our pride and unsure of what's next to come. Realistically, what makes life so agonizing is that it's not predictable by the stars. We won't ever know what's in the future for us. In perspective, it could be wealth, death or even royalty. Although it's unfair, we won't know what's our destiny until it happens. The events that have transpired this year are heartbreaking. As much as I wish I could've prevented much of them from occurring, there was nothing that I could've done to assure they didn't avenge my heart. Not only did they avenge my heart, but my belief.
Ever since the passing of my uncle--Jay Curry--the backwoods have endured my tears, guilt and sorrow. Uncle Jay was one of three best men that I know. Although life itself and some people in his life averted him, he always found a way. The way to my family's events, our individual celebrations and to the way of our, hearts. And when a person is in your heart, it will forever be that way. Admirably, the passion, selfishness and perseverance that I attribute today is completely aspired from him. He was such a great person and people abused that. Per say, being persistence cause us to be manipulated, disrespected and torn apart by the people and things that use our heart to degrade us. Even when we realize that people are treating us wrong, we hesitate to react because we believe in our will too much. As great of people we may be, the reality is good people get no love in return. For good people the saying, "Get what you put in," isn't granted to us.
That isn't fair.
Uncle Jay was always there and I miss him being so. Although he's gone, he left apart of himself in me. I'm ever grateful for him loving me for who I am. I'll always cherish his support in all the great things that he's seen me accomplish. I must keep striding ahead, because that's who he was: A warrior. We complain about so many things in life, but what happens when we no longer have our life? We begin to realize the truth: the big things, weren't so big after all. Writing this, I had to pause numerous times because it's emotional. There's not one day that goes by that I don't think about him, the memories of him, or the lessons by him. Missing him is an understatement of how empty I feel. He's forever in my heart, and will be forever.
R.I.P Uncle Jay.
If I told you it's hard to see the same view as other people, would you believe me? This is especially true in regards to casual dating and casual sex and even in relationships. Not so much because of jealously, but because of diversity in ways of thinking. For example, I view casual dating from a stability perspective: I don't want nobody but you, but that doesn't mean the perspective is mutual. The reality is sometimes people want different interactions from what we want from them; And those interactions could mean one thing to us, but nothing more or less to the person. Dropping it low is nothing more or less than what it is. Sex on the ceiling is nothing more or less than what it is. Although, we want it to be more, it never is. However, please understand I'm not saying it shouldn't or couldn't be more, but that sometimes what appears as potential is just another fairytale.
Time after time, we try to be rational about the truth but there just isn't enough sugar to coat the truth. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations with the right person, at the wrong time. The person bounces you right off your feet, you try to fight it, but all you can do is fall. And when your hearts beats twice as much when you see that person, you try to fight it, but all you can do is deny it. Sometimes, we get so weak that we do fall right off our feet. Getting weak for a person, its unexplainable, but it's happens. Oh I, wish I, could tell you to just leave the person alone but it's easier said than done. Timing has creep the right person for you at the wrong time, so until he pushes you away, creep his love on the low. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, listen to Creep by TLC.
Charlie Chaplin once said, "What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning." In life, we have desire of one component and it varies by person. In regards to the topics of casual dating, sex and relationships, sometimes we only have desire for those components (if nothing else). Desiring a relationship requires no meaning, because what you purpose for your life is solely your choice. We all have our different reasons for wanting certain things in our life, and it only becomes a problem when trying to accept when others don't want the same as we do. Is it fair? It is fair, for one reason: the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The truth is, people can fight your pursuit, your love, your loyalty but love doesn't live everywhere like it does with you. If I told you it's hard to see the same view as other people, would you believe me?
The reality is sometimes people want different interactions from what we want from them; And those interactions could mean one thing to us, but nothing more or less to the person. We all have our different reasons for wanting certain things in our life, and it only becomes a problem when trying to accept when others don't want the same as we do. Even though it seems as you aren't deserving of them, or more, you are; It's them who is not. Literally, it is hard to see the same view as other people, because they see meaning, when it's true desire that you envision.
Hey, so here I am writing this great piece about the standard of friendship. I was at least 300 words in, then all of a sudden the screen just reloads. Tried to undo it, but nothing was there. Six days in the year and technology issues are still what I hate most.
There isn't always reliable people in your life, but one of them is usually your mother. From the day of being engendered, your mother has taken care of you: Carrying you as part of her, listening to music that made you move in excitement, and feeding you what made you relax in comfort of her. Your mother's reliability is not characterized by only what I mentioned, because simply that's only ten percent of what your mother has and will do for you. The person that you (actually us all) are the most critical of and quick to be disappointed by is our mothers. They do so much for you that you expect them to heal this and that, and carry you over and through rocks and walls. Simply, they can do it, but they shouldn't. Our mothers true duty is to teach us manners, resiliency and love within. Who you become or who you discover you are, is what she will accept. Ironically, she already knows who you are, but want you to discover for yourself.
Isn't she just mean?
No, your mother isn't! Through your days of being a little kid you interacted with other little kids that didn't always look, talk, or dress like you. At that time you knew they were different than you, but perceived them no different than you. There was no sexuality, just gender. There was no black or white, just color. There was difference, but no care. However, as you became older the differences started to matter because that's how society identified who is who. To society it mattered if you're black or white, gay or straight, rich or poor. How you identified yourself was an indication of where you were in terms of knowing who you are. You may didn't like who you were so you flaunted as the person you knew society would accept. You flaunted to escape the bullying, the pain, the exclusion from others. Unknowingly, that flaunt you was weaker than the real you.
Isn't you just fake?
Yes, you were. That is okay, because we all were fake (at sometime in our life) as we portrayed ourselves as someone more likable, more gullible. The truth of the matter is that we often know who we are but desire to fit more in a circle than our own square. If you failed geometry like I did, you wouldn't understand that a square and circle aren't much comparable! The point is who you are is your smile, your passion, your dream. Who you see in the mirror is exactly what you look like and that's apart of you. There is nothing wrong with what you see in yourself, unless it's pinning you down from being the best you in personality, character and in faith. Anytime you forget who you are call and ask, "Mother I am who?"
You are who she loves, be who she loves.
Today, even before the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is legal throughout the United States, equality always mattered. It took courage to rule against the Constitution, but in reality, it took courage to actually accept the reality that love is love. This day in history is remarkable and well deserved to the same-sex couples and LGBT community that has rallied and advocated for their right to marry for decades. Love doesn't discriminate and as of today, neither does the law.
About time right?
Knowingly, not everyone agrees with today's reality but that is okay. Disagreement and displeasure is how we express our opinions, expand our ideas and most importantly how we share our differences. We're growing as a Country, but we still have more to do. As long as we continue doing the right thing, there is no reason we cannot continue fighting for equal rights and justice where due. In other words, equality is the right thing to do and the right way for us as people, community and Government to advance as one.
Sincerely, thank you to all the advocates and supporters of marriage equality. Advocating for love is just as beautiful as you are as people, advocates and couples. Congratulations to all you love birds, the LGBT community and the country of the United States. We are one and today proves that.
*Open letter written on June 26, 2015.